OH NOEZ WE’RE KILLING ANGELS!!1!oneone!

One of my friends today posted an article on how apparently, atheists are using chemtrails to kill angels. Seriously.

This was just too funny and absurd for me to pass up. So let’s MOCK!

With the scourges of typhus, malaria and dengue fever raging through communities in the 1940s, the United States government did a curious thing. They loaded up airplanes with the chemical DDT and commenced aerial spraying to wipe out the insects spreading these diseases.

Wait. So killing the disease vector that spreads deadly diseases is “curious”? Does this person, like, not know how this works? Does this author not understand that by killing the bugs, we make it that much more difficult for the disease to spread to humans?

Oh, but this is the beginning. Let’s continue.

As we know today, both DDT and Agent Orange had devastating affects on human populations.

Uh, duh? I mean, it’s not like we knew about them when we were starting out, because we didn’t know what the long term impacts are until, well, years later. Even FDA approved drugs on the market today can be withdrawn when serious side effects come up, because we know that randomized clinical trials aren’t long enough to consider effects even a few decades later. That’s how it works.

Chemtrails are the aerial spraying trails left by large aircraft, both commercial and federal, that are not associated with farming. Millions of images of these sky dispersals can be found on the internet. You will see thick plumes of dense whiteness ejected from the backs of jetliners with purposeful squirts. They are not continuous, but rather sporadic when planes reach a particular altitude. When such substances are released, they become hyper-heated in the atmosphere to attain a canopy-like distribution above targeted regions. Leaked images of these chemical containers in the bodies of large-sized aircraft regularly surface on the internet, underscoring the veracity of these claims.

You mean this?

ZOMG CHEMICAL TANKS!!oneone!

ZOMG CHEMICAL TANKS!!oneone!

You do realize that these are used to stimulate passengers in the cabin during flight, right? And that these are filled with water, right?

I mean, water is a chemical, so technically they’re right. But so is the air you breathe, the plastic under your fingertips, the lentil salad that I had for lunch, etc.

(More information on flight tests can be found here.)

Also, what they’re calling chemtrails are actually just contrails, which is simply condensed water vapor exhaust from an aircraft during flight. They’re quite normal.

But I digress.

In various online communities there has been vigorous debate about what chemtrails actually mean. Some believe they spread barium as a highly-sensitive electromagnetic missile defense system. Others postulate they contain compounds that attack our blood cells and ultimately reduce populations, much like the fluoridation of our water supplies. The rise in disease and other unexplained medical phenomena does strangely coincide with the popularization of chemtrails.

Mmhm, and cancer causes cell phones.

Cell phones cause cancer! Credit to xkcd.

Cancer causes cell phones! Credit to xkcd.

Yet another theory that has been gaining traction and deserves serious consideration is that America’s massive science-industrial complex is attempting a most dangerous experiment. Since Lyndon Johnson’s presidency, we have seen a grave movement towards science-based strategic thinking in all forms of national policy. Whole swathes of government have been taken over by academic PhDs with an intense obsession with scientism. From the National Science Board to the Department of Education, from NASA to the National Institute of Standards, a powerful cadre of elite intellectuals is seizing control. A common thread amongst these activist bureaucrats is a love of science over God.

What the hell is scientism? Seriously, if science is a religion now, what’s our official text? The Origin of Species? Silberberg’s General Principles of Chemistry? The Philosophiæ Naturalis Principia Mathematica? INQUIRING MINDS WANT TO KNOW!

President George W. Bush famously fought against the scientists entrenched in his administration. At many points they promoted evolution “theory” and “global warming” over good old-fashioned common sense. They tried to uproot Christianity in our schools through activist judges. And while President Bush fought the good fight, he ultimately did not win the battle. The long line of anti-theists ruling the inner halls of power since Lyndon Johnson remained in control.

Most people also saw Bush as a bit of an idiot, but I digress.

Also, establishment clause in the First Amendment, a scientific theory has enough evidence to support it that it’s pretty much close to fact, evolution is THE strongest theory and we have with loads of evidence (the following link being a small sample of the evidence we have for evolution), anthropological climate change is happening with 97% agreement amongst climate scientists, etc.

But of course, it’s not like no one’s ever refuted evolution denial before, right? Or anthropological climate change denial.

So what is at the heart of this secret society of globalist atheism? One of their most significant concerns is the power of Faith. They despise the Glory of Jesus and the hope that He brings to countless Americans. The atheists are so insanely dedicated to their obscene cult they will try just about anything to destroy every remnant of Christian Love on this earth. As this sickening obsession was wed to advances in aerial spraying technology in the last century, one can surmise the evil compound that resulted. In this formula, it seems quite logical that the atheist’s next step would be to attempt the widespread murder of Jesus’s very Heavenly Agents of Love.

Atheism is a cult? Well, that’s something I’ve never heard before.

Also, seriously, I have homework, exams, rent payments, job interviews, chores, bills, and food that I need to worry about. Where the hell would I find time to take down Christianity? When I’m asleep? Does my atheistic existence cause you to lose your faith? If it did, how much faith did you even have in the first place?

INQUIRING MINDS WANT TO KNOW!!

Angels. They are much more than a Christian bedtime story. They are much more than the sweet flutterings in the ears of believers. Angels are quite literally the factory workers of faith. They are tireless and everywhere. They accomplish innumerable feats, from minor pangs of guilt to the throbbing passions of love. The angels are there to guide us, to inspire us and, ultimately, to remind us of our obligation to Jesus. The fly through the air at His beckoning. They are gentle and ever willing. We would be far less human and humane were it not for the angels. And that is exactly why atheists fear the power of angels.

And the evidence for angels is where, exactly?

Atheists shake with contempt at the thought of love and decency. 

Uh, I do? So I abhor the thought of treating people with respect and embrace uttermost intolerance and paranoia of those with differing faiths (or lack thereof)?

Oh wait.

Their whole lives are dedicated to nothingness, to the gaping void of pain that nihilism defines.

Nihilism. You keep using that word. I don’t think it means what you think it means.

They love pain in their sexual rituals, in their drug addictions and in their secret globalist power schemes.

I’m a drug addict? Say what?

Also, some of my friends who are into BDSM are religious, thank you very much. And not every atheist is into BDSM. And of course, BDSM is perfectly fine, so long as it’s consensual. But I digress.

Why do we have war? It’s the atheists who spread contempt of God and invite such reckless notions of communism and Islam.

Because this totally never happened.

Because this totally never happened.

As secret atheist scientists in government pursue their goals of undermining Jesus in America, it only stands to reason that they would take their battle to the skies. The aerial dogfight is likely a vicious one. Who knows what advances they have made since the days of DDT and Agent Orange. Yet fight on they do, every single day! Our heavens are coated in a thick aerosol haze of spiritual hate and this nation’s faith is sinking.

In our lifetime, the United States has been bombarded by supposedly “natural” disasters and terrorist attacks. Religion is at an all time low, while sodomy and perversion are at epic heights. Clearly the overlap of these symptoms with the widespread usage of chemtrails is more than just a coincidence. Clearly the astonishing rise of militant atheism in America must factor in. So what is the ultimate answer to the mystery of the chemtrails? Have Heaven’s angels forsaken us for such an offensive maneuver? Or are they actually losing, dying off in plumes of jetliner butchery? Surely America’s atheists in the great halls of government are asking these very same questions.

ZOMG, SCARE QUOTES! THEY’RE ONTO US NOW! ATHEIST BRETHREN, HIDE YOUR WATER BOTTLES!

I have to wonder how much they were smoking when they came up with this stuff.

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5 thoughts on “OH NOEZ WE’RE KILLING ANGELS!!1!oneone!

  1. Pingback: It Has Finally Happened… | Black Atheists

  2. Athywren

    “these are used to stimulate passengers in the cabin during flight”
    Stimulate, eh? Oooh, matron!
    I’m clearly a failure of an atheist – I like people, the hardest drug I take is chocolate, I’m three years single and vanilla anyway. I’m just surprised there’s no mention of the feminazi scourge.

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