This Is the Result of a Chemical Overdose Arising from the Big Chem Holocaust: A NaturalNews Mocking

The following post was written while I was under the influence of dihydrogen monoxide. Being a dumbass, I drank over 470 mL of the stuff, then I got access to a computer connected to the Internet. Unfortunately for you, I’m lazy, and this looks postable, so I figured that I might as well post it anyways. Apologies.

I have this urge to mock something right now, but I don’t really know what I’m going to mock. Augh, blogging first-world problems!

*goes to Google*
*types in NaturalNews*
*sees article called “World Exclusive: Unacceptable Levels Film Exposes Chemical Holocaust Now Devastating Humanity”*

Oooh! I have to read this. This is going to be good.

*goes to read the article*

An exciting new film has just been announced: “Unacceptable Levels” exposes the hidden world of toxic chemicals now inundating society and destroying our health worldwide.

*gasp!* Toxic chemicals, worldwide? I’d never! And destroying our health too? Even though modern medicine saves thousands if not million of lives a day, and even though more people are living now than even 100 years ago? Oh my gawds, who knew?!

Created by filmmaker Ed Brown, Unacceptable Levels is a tour de force of groundbreaking information from the world’s top experts on how trace-level cocktails of synthetic chemicals are devastating humanity.

Synthetic chemicals too? As in, people in white lab coats laughing manically in a lab somewhere in the darkest corners of the world scheming to kill us all with their concoctions and their science?!

This is the darkest corner of the world, right?

This IS the darkest corner of the world, right?

Right? This is dark?

Right? This is dark?

Oh mah gawds, so scary! How dark their labs must be, right?!

So dark of a lab, right?!

So dark of a lab, right?!

I can barely see anything in here!

I can barely see anything in here!

Who knew that they were so dark?!

This is the film that finally explains what’s wrong with our food and medical systems and why so many people have diabetes, cancer, autism, infertility, mental disorders and other degenerative health conditions. When you see this, you’ll instantly connect the dots in ways that will empower you to protect your health and maximize your longevity, even in an intoxicated world full of deadly chemicals and the criminal corporations that sell them.

You mean that the reason people suffer from diabetes is because of some sort of big Chemical-Companies-Colluding-To-Kill-The-World master plan that they sprung on us without our knowing?! And that the reason more people have autism isn’t because we widened the definition of autism from what it was even 20 years ago but because Big Dow?! Oh mah gawds!

This groundbreaking new film is being exclusively launched here at Natural News, and it is available for a limited time only through Programs.NaturalNews.com as a streaming video (with unlimited lifetime views).

I honestly don’t have the time to do that right this minute, since I have homework to do, but oh mah gawds, unlimited lifetime views?! Is it possible for me to save it so that I can view it when I do have the time?

*checks the programs page*

Awww, man, a pay wall?! I don’t have that kind of moneys! Now how am I supposed to get the information that’s supposed to save my life?!

Not a photo of me, but still.

Not a photo of me, but still. POUT!

POUT!

I consider this a must-see film because it is the first documentary I’ve ever seen that brings together many of the world’s topic experts on health, environment, chemicals and nutrition in one place. Although the film gets off to a slow start — the first 8 minutes are about the personal lives of Ed Brown and his wife as they struggle with chemically-induced miscarriages — it rockets to stunning heights soon thereafter, introducing viewers to a whirlwind of top experts with astonishing “No Way!” moments about toxic chemicals. By the time you finish watching this film, your head will be spinning with all the reality-shattering information you’ll learn about synthetic chemicals, fluoride, psychiatric drugs, plasticizers and much more.

AND this is a must-see, but behind a pay wall? Mike Adams, what is this?! WHY DO YOU HATE THE POOR COLLEGE STUDENTS SO MUCH?!

And oh mah gawds, you’re saying that chemicals, fluoride in our water, psychiatric drugs, modeling clay, and others are secretly killing us?! Are you telling us that we should go Cruise?  Someone call the Citizens Commission on Human Rights!

It should be required viewing for anyone in the industries of food, medicine and agriculture.

Hey, I’m considering a career in the field of medicine if not biotechnology! Why did you have to hide it behind a pay wall, Mr. Adams?!

Is it because you’re punishing me for thinking about doing biotech? I’m sorry, I’ll do anything to rectify my wrongdoing! Maybe I can give you this?

Oh wait, was that a link of over 600 independently funded studies that shows that GMOs are perfectly safe? I’m sorry, I can do better! How about this one?

Shoot, was that a study that shows that fluoridation of our water supply is safe and a cost effective way to reduce cavities and preserve our teeth? Oh man, I suck at this.

How about this one?

Oh shoot, you don’t like science based medicine at all, do you? Especially when they debunk the study you like to use to suggest that those who take psychiatric drugs are inherently more violent (which is what I think you were going for). I’m sorry, I forgot.

WHY CAN I NOT PLEASE YOU MIKE ADAMS?!

I thank you in advance for your support of this film and our efforts to save humanity from the chemical holocaust that has been unleashed on us all by criminal corporations who profit from pollution.

We have a chemical holocaust, and yet because I’m a poor college student, I can’t even find out the information needed to save my life?

WHY DO YOU HATE US POOR PEOPLE?! WHY?!

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In case it wasn’t already clear from the intro paragraph into this post, this entire post has a large amount of SARCASM.

Edit: I have no idea why today’s post is showing up in a blue box either. I checked the HTML code to see if I screwed up somewhere. I didn’t, and yet it’s still showing up like this. WTF?

Edit 2: Oh, I think I see the problem. It was posted as an aside. Oops.

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