The Feminist Ploy to Take Over the World

Yes, we’re planning to take over the world. It’s true, I know because I’m a feminist.

I mean, yes, it’s totally true that we’re already secretly controlling everyone and everything. We’re secretly Big Government, Big Pharma, Big Chem and Big Agriculture and Big Business and everything, making the world into our puppets. That’s why we do things like have the Texas government make an anti-choice abortions restriction bill that would close all but five abortion clinics in the state, got Wendy Davis to filibuster it for 11 hours or so and causing thousands of women wearing orange to show up in protest, passed that law anyway in a special session July, and then sneakily got a federal judge to declare that law unconstitutional anyways.

I mean, we have to do something other than sitting at home all day eating bonbons and spending 60% of our man’s income on clothes, scented candles, hard chairs, and more bonbons (duh).

Sitting around and spending money that we didn’t earn is BORING, you know? And it’s not like we’re really doing anything. We’re too stupid to work in STEM fields, and really, women like Grace Hopper, Lise Meitner, and Ada Lovelace stole the credit from all of the MENZ.

And really, all of these women here, who help contribute to computer science? That’s really the work of men, who were working on our orders, and we stole the credit from them, even though we’re also somehow controlling them with the SECKS and also somehow doing that and sitting in our hard chairs eating bonbons and sniffing scented candles lit by female penguins.

And we can all totally get laid with anyone we want, and yet apparently we’re so desperate for attention that we welcome unwanted advances. So besides eating bonbons, sitting in hard chairs, sniffing scented candles, messing with entire governments, stealing credit from all of the MENZ, and yet somehow controlling everybody with the SECKS, we’re also desperate for attention.

Also, for some reason, we call our movement for equality, and then we turn around and sign laws in Ohio that force abortion clinics to shut down. I mean, why do we try to fight for reproductive rights, and yet ban people from getting abortions, right?

And of course, we’re really narcissistic and only care about ourselves. It’s why we force men to serve us as wage slaves so that we can sit on hard chairs sniffing scented candles and eating bonbons, and controlling entire governments, and controlling men’s boners and then denying them the SECKS.

It’s really all a ploy to take over the world. Really. Even though we already control all of the MENZ and all of the governments and everything, for some reason we haven’t really taken over the world yet.

We’re taking over the world, and soon, you will be paying us a tribute of bonbons and scented candles.

You have been forewarned.

I highly recommend you start stocking up. I heard somewhere that a girl named Alice likes chocolate truffles with hazelnut centers.


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