How to be Dateable, the Gender Essentialist Way

Now, I’m aware that there’s absolutely no shortage on dating advice online. People are obsessed with trying to get a date and finding relationships. And that’s fine! Relationships are good, so long as you and your significant other(s) respect one another and want to be together!

And then we get gender essentialism into the mix.

Today’s “dating rules for the heterosexual gender essentialist” comes from, a site dedicated to make you dateable. Let’s get started.

Dating rules for girls:

Accept your girly-ness. You’re a girl. Be proud of all that means. You are soft, you are gentle, you are a woman. Don’t try to be a guy. Guys like you because you are different from them. So let your girly-ness soar.

So if I’m not gentle or soft, I’m not a woman? Does that mean that I can’t swear anymore, or have a temper?

Tell it like it is. Dateable girls don’t lie to themselves. They don’t say stuff like, “His girlfriend just isn’t good to him, that’s why he’s seeing me on the side.” Or “She started it so I’m going to get even.” The Dateable girl let’s God run the world, and tells herself the truth–that all she can control is herself. She doesn’t imagine things to be more than they are.

Okay, let’s ignore the “everyone believes in God” presumption in this advice and just get to the root of it. (Seriously? Are you implying that atheists aren’t dateable?)

The presumption is that girls are inherently control freaks who want to control everything and anything. Isn’t that, like, a little bit sexist?

(Also, uh, why is your hypothetical girl seeing someone who has an SO?)

The sexiest thing on a girl is happiness. Girls try so hard to add beauty and sexuality to themselves with clothes and make-up, but the truth is it’s your spirit that makes you hot. Your outlook on life, your happiness factor. Dateable girls aren’t downers, they love life.

“Hey girls, if you want a date, all you have to do is smile!”

Also, you do realize that not everything we do revolves around boys, right? Maybe the clothes and makeup are because we think it makes us look good and it makes us happy.

Girls don’t fight girls, ever. Revenge belongs to God. Dateable girls know that when they fight other girls they look stupid and catty, and guys don’t like it any more than God does.

“Ladies, we don’t like it when you’re angry, so don’t ever be angry. Even if you’re rightfully pissed off, anger makes you unattractive and undateable!”

Believe in your beauty. Dateable girl learn how to overcome the sins of the past that have been perpetrated on them. They don’t let the enemy steal their beauty. God made them, so they know they are beautiful, even if they don’t feel like it sometimes.

“Just believe that you’re pretty, even if you don’t feel like it! That’ll solve all body image issues, ever!”

Be mysterious. Dateable girls know how to shut up. They don’t monopolize the conversation. They don’t tell everyone everything about themselves. They save some for later. They listen more than they gab.

“Know your place. Don’t talk too much, because men HATE it when you have something to say and an opinion!”

Act confident. Dateable girls know that confidence is hot. And the cool part is that no one knows if you are confident but you. Confidence isn’t how you feel, it’s how you act. Act confident and people will think you are.

This isn’t bad advice. If you’re confident, people will see that.

Look ‘em in the eye. Part of being a Dateable girl means you really see people. They matter, and if you don’t look them in the eye then you will never see them and they will never know they matter to you. Look ‘em in the eye. They are valuable.

What if you have autism and you can’t look at them in the eye because you feel uncomfortable?

Let him lead. God made guys as leaders. Dateable girls get that and let him do guy things, get a door, open a ketchup bottle. They relax and let guys be guys. Which means they don’t ask him out!!!

Because we still live in the 1950s and it’s totally emasculating to pursue a guy that you like, or to take charge of yourself every once in a while.

*eye roll*

Even Santana isn’t buying into this bullshit.

Need him. Dateable girls know that guys need to be needed. A Dateable girl isn’t Miss Independent. She knows we are made for community. Needing each other is part of faith. She allows him to be needed at times, knowing he was called to serve just as much as she was.

Because obviously if you’re not co-dependent on your significant other you’re totally undateable and you’ll die a spinster with ten thousand cats.

Dating rules for guys:

Being a guy is good. Dateable guys know they aren’t as sensitive as girls and that’s okay. They know they are stronger, more dangerous, and more adventurous and that’s okay. Dateable guys are real men who aren’t afraid to be guys.

So if you’re a dude and you feel the need to cry sometimes, can’t lift, don’t want to go more than maybe ten miles away from home, and won’t hurt a fly, you’re an emasculated wimp and you should be ashamed of yourself?

Believe in yourself. Dateable guys know they are men even if someone has tried to bring them down or make them less than men. They know that the past doesn’t define the future.


Also, uh, sometimes the past does define the future. Example: you have a history of being an abusive douchebag.

Control your mind. Dateable guys know that God demands self control. They learn ways to control their minds so they can control their bodies.

Because men naturally will hump anything and everything if they don’t learn discipline.

Don’t just want a win, want an adventure. Dateable guys know life is about danger. You might not win, but that’s not the point, doing it is. Dateable guys risk failure to live the adventure of life.

Okay, presuming that this is about being confident, this isn’t bad advice.

Face your Fears. Dateable guys will not be controlled by fear. Whatever controls you owns you. Fear is from the enemy and so the Dateable guy stands in the face of it and says, “ha!”

And if you admit that you’re scared even once, you’re emasculated and should be ashamed of yourself.

Men of God are wild, not domesticated. Dateable guys aren’t tamed. They don’t live by the rules of the opposite sex. They fight battles, conquer lands, and stand up for the oppressed.

“If you act like a girl, you should be ashamed of yourself. REAL men don’t act like girls!”

Bring God into it. Dateable guys bring God into it. “What would He say if he was talking to me through this situation?” they ask.

So atheists are undateable?

Be honest with girls. Dateable guys don’t use the truth to their advantage. They know that girls read into things so they don’t use that for their good. They are honest and not manipulative.

Honesty is a good policy, yes. But did you really have to make the assumption that girls are inherently overanalytical to make your point? Why not just say “being honest is a good thing because that means that all parties know what is expected”?

Be a gentleman. Chivalry is not dead with the Dateable guy. Even if society thinks this is old fashioned he knows that it is God-fashioned. He keeps his gentleman side strong and considers all women important enough to care for.

Sure, be nice to women. That’s a good thing!

But seriously, paternalism towards women? Isn’t that a wee bit misogynistic. presuming that women can’t take care of themselves and that it’s the man’s job to save her from herself?

Keep it covered up. Dateable guys know that porn is bad for the spirit and the mind. They keep women covered up.

Because wanting to have sex is something that needs to be suppressed and is inherently a Bad Thing.

Also of note, the guy who owns the website actually advised female students at a high school that if they want to catch a guy, they need to know to shut up.

How’s that for gender essentialism and misogyny?


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