“I’M TOTES A SCIENTIST NOW!!” or How to Impress People Untrained in Science [NaturalNews mocking]

Mike Adams is showing off his “fancy tech” in a new post on NaturalNews, thinking that having fancy technology a scientist makes.

Hint: it doesn’t.

What you’re looking at in the photo is part of an atomic spectroscopy laboratory with extraordinary capabilities including parts per trillion detection of atomic elements as well as advanced, high-level isotopic ratio analysis capabilities. Somewhere in the background there’s also a collection of Ion-Selective Electrodes with various testing capabilities.

I’m not yet showing you all the instrumentation, but anyone who knows their way around a lab can probably recognize the peri pump in this photo and figure out what it’s attached to. (Hint: It’s worth more than a Lamborghini…)

Wow, I’m supposed to be impressed that you spent a few hundred thousand dollars on a spectrometer? Color me unimpressed.

The red object on the workbench with the open lid is a standard centrifuge. This one happens to be capable of 10,000G.

Oooh, a desktop centrifuge! It’s not like other laboratories have this, right????

The diagram in the center of the board is a simple drawing of an ion multiplier, which is one of the components used in my food science research.

And what are you researching, exactly?

The glasses on my head are lab safety glasses. I’m also wearing protective gloves, but you can’t see them in the photo. Unwisely, I sometimes conduct R&D in the lab wearing a short-sleeved shirt instead of a long-sleeved lab coat. (I’ve decided the lab coat is just too cumbersome…)

You know you’re a real scientist when you say “screw it, I’mma go COMMANDO in a LAB FULL OF FREAKING CHEMICALS, MANY OF WHICH THAT CAN BURN MY SKIN OFF!”. </sarcasm>

The important thing to note here is that this lab is not theater. This isn’t a green screen setup, and it’s not a bunch of fake props. In fact, at the moment this photo was taken, some of the systems in the background were actually running.

“Dudes, this lab is totes legit! Really! See, some of them actually work and actually do things, see?”

Throughout 2013, I’ve been heavily engaged in high-level analytical chemistry and atomic spectroscopy training and research. On January 7, 2014, I will begin announcing a series of food science breakthroughs that, as promised, will reshape the food industry and absolutely revolutionize personal health. Based on what we are about to announce, every individual who seeks outstanding health, amazing cognitive function, healthy offspring, longevity and freedom from chronic disease will now have a powerful, transformative new science-based paradigm from which to accomplish those goals with clarity and consistency.

This research completes my own transition from activist to scientist, and it also signifies a radical reshaping of the editorial focus of NaturalNews.com onto transformative solutions for personal and planetary health.

“High level”? “Transformative”? “Breakthroughs”? “Reshape the food industry and revolutionize personal health”?

Is this an advertisement or an article? And why are we supposed to be impressed about the fact that it’s “high level” (in mother freaking BOLD)?

I think I can wait a month to see what happens next.


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