Category Archives: Original Work

Regarding the Feminist Plan of Castration

So apparently there’s a few people who think that feminists will happily castrate uppity men for daring to call a woman “sweetie”. For example, we have this guy from Manboobz, who thinks that human resources will mutilate zir penis when the feminist revolution comes to fruition.

(I think zir found out that HR’s going to feed said mutilated penises to KittySharks and PuppySharks, as we feminists plan to take over the world and establish female superiority in all things. I can’t prove it, but still.)

I have to admit the fact that I’ve been sharpening my special castration knife and practicing on a large amount of bananas in my spare time, in order to prepare for the Mass Castration Event that will take place. As a feminist, I need to be able to castrate at least 200 men in fifteen minutes, and the faster I can do it, the better it will be.

I’m also running a bit more, but that’s more related to the fact that I want to get more exercise and be healthier than the castration thing.

Like I said though, I know a girl named Alice who really likes chocolate truffles with hazelnut centers. If you give her enough truffles (oh, I say maybe three boxes worth), she might be lenient and save you men from castration.

But remember. Chocolate truffles with HAZELNUT centers. NO SUBSTITUTES.

Okay, maybe you can get her a few bags of Lindor chocolates.

I Am Autism – A New Take

Oh gods. Oh gods, oh gods, oh gods.

Today, I heard about Autism Speak’s video called “I Am Autism”.

Short rundown: Autism Speaks is a charity that tries to bring awareness about autism and tries to fund money for a cure and whatever. Not exactly popular with people who HAVE autism, because of the “autism is all evil and needs to be CURED!” thing. You guys could Google it if you’re curious.

And of course, in their activism campaign, they come up with videos that’s rather, for lack of a better word, insensitive.

Case in point: transcript for “I Am Autism” (there was a video, but apparently it was taken down after outcry).

Ew. Ew ew ew ew ew ew ew.

That just makes my skin crawl. I’m also shaking, although nowadays I can’t tell if it’s because I need to switch to a lower dosage of levothyroxine or whether it’s horror or whether it’s from sitting in a chair for several hours.

So, out of protest, I feel the need to provide a counter viewpoint from someone who has autism herself.

Please note that this is NOT representative of all autistic people. I don’t claim to speak for everyone, I just felt the need to respond with my own version of “I Am Autism”. So don’t chew my head off, okay?

I Am Autism – Take Two

I am autism.

Born with it and grew  up with it,
Part of me since as far as I know.
Integrated with my identity
And an important part of me.
I cannot be without it,
Otherwise what am I, really?

I am autism.
I am a face of many in a sea
A color, a shape,
A pair or eyes,
A voice.

I am autism.
I am not a monolithic entity.
I do not come to consume and to destroy
But to enlighten and to create.
I am an individual
I am me.

I am autism.

Sometimes I cannot speak
Non verbal am I and rather quiet.
Sometimes I can integrate
With a little hard work
And a large amount of acting/reacting.
I pay attention to everyone else
And play the game,
Knowing that I’m sometimes right on key
And sometimes two steps behind.

I live and I breathe
And I feel and I read.
I scream and I shout
And I twist and dance
And I am life embodiment.

I am alive.

I do not fear.
What is there to be frightened of?
I am here,
I am.

I am autism,
And autism is me.
Autism is part of my identity.
Cannot imagine my life without it
For how close it is to me it is!

Autism defines me.
Autism is a part of me.

I am not the savant intelligent
And I am not person sociopathic.
I am not Sheldon that you see on TV
Nor am I full of magic or a disease.

I am not abnormal, I am not in need of a fix.
I just need someone who can listen to this.

I am autism
And I have a voice.

You say that I’m silent
And that I’m really a sneak.
You claim me to be a thief
And you claim me to be sin
A punishment, a changeling,
Something not “normal”,
Something not neurotypical.

You say that you need to cure me
In order to save me.

You say these words
And you take away me.
You say those words
And you erase me.
You say those words
And you silence me.

You do not speak for me.

Please, are you listening?
This is autism speaking.

The Unfortunate Implications of the Anti-Vaccine Claim of “Vaccines Cause Autism!!!”

Today I was walking home from class and mulling over various issues when my mind happened to think about the anti-vaccine “VACCINES CAUSE AUTISM!1!!” gambit.

You know this one: the so called “link” between vaccines and autism, and how you’re better off not vaccinating your kids because ZOMG AUTISM IS SO HORRIBLE.

And you know what? Pondering over the subject, I realized that the claim that vaccines cause autism and that you’re better off not vaccinating your kids is actually full of very unfortunate implications.

(This might have been partially inspired by the TVTropes page on unfortunate implications. I can verify that TVTropes WILL ruin your life.)

What happened the night before. Credit to xkcd.

What happened to me the night before, when I was supposed to do Latin homework (damn you TVTropes). Credit to xkcd, used under a CC BY-NC license.

Unfortunate implication: autism is DA WORST THING EVER and it’s better for a kid to be dead than to be autistic because disabilities are SO TERRIBLE, especially for the parents, because their “real child” has been “lost” and that no “real child” has disabilities.

Disclosure: I have a mild form of autism (formerly Asperger’s before the DSM got rid of that category and put it in the autism spectrum on the high functioning end).

So to me, this is actually pretty personal. And offensive.

I can totally sympathize with parents whose kids were recently diagnosed with autism. Seriously, finding out that your child will be facing some difficulties that isn’t their fault (to put it lightly) sucks. Feeling helpless sucks. You want to help your child, and that’s totally normal.

But the “disabilities are inherently bad and we need to make sure that no one else ends up disabled, even if it means that the kid might die” just smacks of WARNING, HIGHLY OFFENSIVE.

What it does is to enforce the paradigm that people with disabilities are “lesser” and not as human as the neurotypical people. It enforces the idea that if you’re disabled, you’re better off dead because how the hell can you stand to live knowing that you have a disability?

And it leads to the idea that risking preventable diseases (that can totally kill your kid!), autism biomed, chelation therapy, Lupron therapy, and even outright murder is totally justifiable, because hey, your kid wasn’t “normal” (whatever that means), and you just wanted to make them better, even if it means causing them further suffering in the process.

Yeahhhhhhhhhhhh, that’s some pretty serious unfortunate implication stuff right there.

And that stuff’s offensive.

Anti-vaxxors: no, you do not speak for me or for people like me when you claim that autism is caused by vaccines (which is totally not true by the way, this being one of the many studies on the topic). Nor do you speak for me when you then start saying that it’s better to risk death than to get your kid vaccinated because autism is so terrible.

That stuff is ableist as hell. And I want no part of it.

People: please, please get your vaccines. The world will be better off with it.

On Positive Male Role Models and International Men’s Day

International Men's Day logo

A day to celebrate TRU MANHOOD, because apparently it’s not Men’s Day every single other day of the year. Credit to International Men’s Day; image is in the public domain.

Because apparently not every single day is already a Men’s Day, tomorrow is International Men’s Day, which is all about celebrating MANHOOD of the gender essentialist variety.

Now, they haven’t actually released a press release for this year’s theme (“Keeping Men and Boys Safe”), but they do have one from around this time last year, complete with essentialist goodies such as “[n]o matter how great a mother is, she cannot replace what a father provides to a child” and “[i]rrefutable research shows that mothers typically are nurturing, soft, gentle, comforting, protective and emotional. Fathers tend to be challenging, prodding, loud, playful and encourage risk taking”. Of course, they do not link to any of this research; we’re supposed to take it at face value, without questioning their authority.

Now, I’m not happy with the gender essentialism. And because tomorrow is the proclaimed International Men’s Day, I’m going to write my OWN press release for last year’s theme (“Positive Male Role Models”), if I were in charge of this event. So without further ado, this is the Feminist Skeptic’s version of the media release for 2012: Positive Male Role Models.

[TRIGGER WARNING: some links contain threats against people.]

On Positive Male Role Models

What does it mean to be a man? What does it mean to be born as a male? And how does one learn how to be a man in our current society, a world where 4.5% of men are rapists, where men commit the vast majority of murders, and where a large amount of men advocate violence against other people, from other men to women and children?

Positive male role models do exist, but for the most part are few and far between. Movies often depict hypermasculine men using violence to solve their problems. Men and boys do not learn how to treat people with respect, threatening people with rape and other violence for doing something that displeases them. And many men care little about the suffering of others, preferring to live self-centered lives devoid of empathy and full of hatred towards other people.

There is a need for positive male role models, a niche that needs to be filled. Someone who can teach young boys on what it means to be a man.

But what does it mean to be a man?

To be a man is to know that he needs to treat other people with respect. A man does not need to threaten violence on other people in order to get what he wants. A man knows that the most important part of society is to help other people, to pick them up rather than push them down. He knows that he is one of many different people in the world, that he is not the lone ruler at the top but one of many unique, diverse groups that make up humanity.

He knows that he can be confident in his own expression. He knows that it is not shameful to cry, to be weak, to be anything less than a hypermasculine model. He knows that it’s okay for people to choose how they want to live, and he respects their choices. He knows that he can uplift those who have been disadvantaged by a society where the cis* straight white male is the normal and everyone else is a derivative. He knows that society does not have to be a world where straight white male is the easiest setting, and he is willing to stand up for that better world, to speak out against injustice and to foster a welcoming community where everyone is seen as an equal—no more, and no less.

In that light, let us look up to the men who see women, non-heterosexuals, non-white, and others as equals. Let’s look up to the men who treat others with respect. Give us positive male role models who will uplift and foster a boy who will grow up to positively contribute to society, without putting others people down. Give us positive male role models who teach young boys to stand up for those who are different, instead of hatred. Give us positive male role models who will better us, one young man at a time.

Let us celebrate these men, and thank them for giving boys a person to look up to, in order to better our society and everyone in it. And let us thank them, for bringing us a step closer towards a better tomorrow.

Thank you.

Reflection: On Living Asian in a Caucasian World

Sorry for not getting to a post last night. Let’s just say that there’s a reason why I should have started on my Latin homework during the holiday.

Anyways. Today, I’m not going to mock/debunk anything. Instead I’m just going to muse on growing up living in a Caucasian world.


I grew up in a minority-majority community. My neighborhood was full of East Asians, my elementary school was majority East Asians, my section of the town that I grew up in was mostly East Asians and Latinos, etc.

It’s not like I wasn’t aware that white people existed. It’s just that all around me, Asian culture (and a small amount of Latino culture) was everywhere. As the Autumn Moon Festival in mid-September closed in every year, all of the Asian supermarkets near me (and there were so many!) had a display for mooncakes. Boxes and boxes of mooncakes, just sitting in a huge table covered in red cloth. Same thing for Chinese New Year: we’d have a display of traditional New Year goodies, and the banks would give out red envelopes for lai see. Mother and father and neighbors and family would give my brother and me lai see, because we were children and single, and we’d count up how much we got every year.

We spoke Cantonese at home. Where I grew up, many of the people I got to know knew how to speak another language: Cantonese, Mandarin, Vietnamese, Spanish, etc. The idea of people speaking English-only at home was foreign to me, abnormal.

My friends and I would joke about Asian pressure to succeed. One of the recurring jokes we had was that A was Average and F was Funeral. You can imagine what we made up for the other letters. Doing well in school wasn’t just expected, it was the norm. If you didn’t do well in school, you shamed your parents and yourself.

I didn’t really see a lot of white people at school. White people were just there, just a glimmer of blue eyes and green eyes and curls and blonde hair and red hair and light brown hair and pale skin without the hint of yellow and freckles and whatnot. What I saw every day was a variety of people, the majority of them with a hint of yellow or a hint of brown, dark brown hair, dark brown eyes, hair straighter than arrows. This was normal to me.

Even then, though, in school we’d learn about the achievements of white people. We’d see white people in the media, in books, in pictures, on the movie screen, on the TV screen (when it’s not turned to one of the many Asian language channels that were on the air). Sometimes we’d see black people. Sometimes we’d see Latinos. Very rarely would we see Asians.

In history class, we touched on Asian-related history three times: yellow peril, the Japanese internment camps, and the bombings of Nagasaki and Hiroshima.

Yellow peril, because people were scared of all of the Chinese people, which led to the Chinese Exclusion act and the Gentlemen’s Agreement with Japan.

Japanese internment camps, because during World War 2, everyone was scared of the Japanese and thought that they weren’t real citizens and that they weren’t loyal to the United States. The 442nd Regimental Combat Team disproved it, of course, but YELLOW PEOPLE.

And the nuclear bombs, because that was what ended World War 2.

And that was it for an AP US history course.


At some point, I realized that Asians were invisible, or at least very well hidden.

Now, I knew Asians existed. I grew up Asian and I can see Asian people just by looking in the mirror.

But in the world of sitcoms and blockbusters, Asians were mostly non-existent. If an Asian showed up, for the most part either he was a kung-fu master, she was an Asian hooker, he was a wise asshole, she was a bimbo, he was UBER SMART, she was demure and submissive, he was a nerd, she was a Tiger Mom, and so on. There was usually just one Asian. All of them were stereotypes.

Even when the show’s set in a world where it’s half Asian, Asians don’t make up any part of the main cast.

Statistics? For the most part, statistics went like this: white (non-Hispanic), white (Hispanic), black (non-Hispanic), black (Hispanic). Or they’ll just have white, black, Hispanic. Sometimes they’ll have American Indian. It’s not often that Asian shows up, and when it does, it’s often left simply as “Asian/Pacific Islander”.

Books? Most books feature white protagonists. It’s difficult to find anyone who ISN’T white as a whole on the New York Times Bestseller List.

Marketing? Mostly to white people. If they make any mention of Asian culture at all, it’s about Panda Express (whitewashed “Chinese” food), it’s about how you can “learn secrets from the Orient”, it’s about “traditional Chinese medicine”, it’s about a mystical land far far away, about how we’re so backwards that we haven’t advanced one step ever since the Chinese came up with the compass and paper a few thousand years ago, how everyone should aspire to be more like the backwards Asians who haven’t caught up with the West yet. Asian culture isn’t normal, it’s so special and different from civilization that you have to want to aspire to be “exotic”.

Sushi is too weird when it has raw fish. Jasmine rice belongs into the international food aisle in the supermarket, alongside soy sauce, fish sauce, rice paper wrappers, Mama instant ramen, Hi Chew, Pocky, and sesame oil. And of course, that’s in competition with Hispanic and Greek and Indian and Italian imports.

Sex? Asian men are sexless. Asian women are a fetish to go after, something for the Mighty Whitey to impress and awe so that she’ll serve you and give you amazing blowjobs for the rest of your life. And they’re all the same, interchangeable.

That’s when you realize that you’re not white. And because you’re not white, you’re “special”—so special that you’re marginalized, a part of a single entity, a yellow blur instead of an individual face in the midst of yellows and browns.

Alienation is sort of inevitable. After a few years of this, you realize that you’re an other, you’re not normal, you’re exotic, you’re different from everyone else.

And that’s when you realize that the “we live in a post-racial world” thing is a lie.

The Feminist Ploy to Take Over the World

Yes, we’re planning to take over the world. It’s true, I know because I’m a feminist.

I mean, yes, it’s totally true that we’re already secretly controlling everyone and everything. We’re secretly Big Government, Big Pharma, Big Chem and Big Agriculture and Big Business and everything, making the world into our puppets. That’s why we do things like have the Texas government make an anti-choice abortions restriction bill that would close all but five abortion clinics in the state, got Wendy Davis to filibuster it for 11 hours or so and causing thousands of women wearing orange to show up in protest, passed that law anyway in a special session July, and then sneakily got a federal judge to declare that law unconstitutional anyways.

I mean, we have to do something other than sitting at home all day eating bonbons and spending 60% of our man’s income on clothes, scented candles, hard chairs, and more bonbons (duh).

Sitting around and spending money that we didn’t earn is BORING, you know? And it’s not like we’re really doing anything. We’re too stupid to work in STEM fields, and really, women like Grace Hopper, Lise Meitner, and Ada Lovelace stole the credit from all of the MENZ.

And really, all of these women here, who help contribute to computer science? That’s really the work of men, who were working on our orders, and we stole the credit from them, even though we’re also somehow controlling them with the SECKS and also somehow doing that and sitting in our hard chairs eating bonbons and sniffing scented candles lit by female penguins.

And we can all totally get laid with anyone we want, and yet apparently we’re so desperate for attention that we welcome unwanted advances. So besides eating bonbons, sitting in hard chairs, sniffing scented candles, messing with entire governments, stealing credit from all of the MENZ, and yet somehow controlling everybody with the SECKS, we’re also desperate for attention.

Also, for some reason, we call our movement for equality, and then we turn around and sign laws in Ohio that force abortion clinics to shut down. I mean, why do we try to fight for reproductive rights, and yet ban people from getting abortions, right?

And of course, we’re really narcissistic and only care about ourselves. It’s why we force men to serve us as wage slaves so that we can sit on hard chairs sniffing scented candles and eating bonbons, and controlling entire governments, and controlling men’s boners and then denying them the SECKS.

It’s really all a ploy to take over the world. Really. Even though we already control all of the MENZ and all of the governments and everything, for some reason we haven’t really taken over the world yet.

We’re taking over the world, and soon, you will be paying us a tribute of bonbons and scented candles.

You have been forewarned.

I highly recommend you start stocking up. I heard somewhere that a girl named Alice likes chocolate truffles with hazelnut centers.

The Secret Feminazi Agenda, REVEALED

As a member of the secret feminazi society, I have had access to all of the feminazi documents. I know of their strategies, their plans, and of their workings.

Well, today I was notified that there has been a security breech. Someone has discovered that we feminists (who are all women) are going to use male feminists (silly men, how can they be FEMINISTS?) to breed and be shark food.

I am here to confirm that yes, we will be feeding the men to the sharks. However, the person who had cracked our encryption has gotten some details wrong. I plan to correct those mistakes, and give you the ACTUAL agenda of the feminazi conspiracy.

First off: we’re not going to have men slaughter one another. That’s barbaric. Instead, we’re planning to genetically modify kitties and puppies to make them into KittySharks and PuppySharks. And we’ll send THOSE out to kill men, by seeing if people pet them or not. If people pet them and go “d’aww”, then they will be saved. If not, BOOM. KittyShark and PuppyShark, ATTACK!

Second of all, we do plan on having men around to breed with. However, it will only be a select number of men, who will make up the alpha cock carousel. We will also be jacking their sperm after every ride. Said sperm will then be used to impregnate ourselves, so that we can entrap them into paying us money forever. The vast majority of men will be castrated and made into slaves for our delight, making BBQ ribs and fixing our computers and stuff.

Third, we’re not only using sharks. For the landlocked countries, we plan to use bears, and for many countries with no access to salt water, crocodiles and various felines.

Fourth, we’re only going to feed them three things:

  1. Severed penises, after we remove the foreskins to make our beauty creams.
  2. People who don’t pet our KittySharks or PuppySharks.
  3. Old men. Old men can all go be eaten, we’re not going to expend our energy to assist them when we could be jacking sperm and riding the alpha cock carousel. 

Finally, and fifth, all men and boys will be raised under the FEMINAZI curriculum, so that they will be brainwashed and be feminized into serving us.

Now that you know what we plan to do, prepare yourselves. We’re coming for you.

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In case this wasn’t obvious. this is a joke. Enjoy.

Introducing the Falpraesti! A New Way to View the World.

People of the world, have you ever felt as if the world is not as you want it to be? Angry at the fact that there are people who have more power? Upset that what you have is not good enough for you? Frustrated at the fact that no one else sees what you see?

Well, today I have something that might help you allay your frustrations, your anger, and your despair. I hereby present Falpraesti: a new way for you to see the world!

The Falpraesti is a new medical breakthrough, discovered by a famous physician in Sri Lanka among the Inclusionis peoples. Used for over three thousand years, the Falpraesti is the key to is the key towards true happiness, by allowing you to harmonize your emotions and become one with the TRUTH.

Falpraesti is all natural, full of laevomandelonitrile and dihydrogen monoxide, necessary for our active lifestyles and helping you to relax.

But don’t take my word for it. Listen:

I could not believe that the world was not the way that I imagined it, and because of this, I was depressed for over two years. I went to see doctor after doctor, and therapist after therapist, but to no avail. I just could not get over my disbelief!

Then I came upon Falpraesti, thanks to Dr. P. Getoff, After taking Falpraesti, I now have the energy to take on my day. My depression lifted after two days, and I knew that this worked!

I have been free of my disbelief for over three months now. Thank you, Dr. Getoff, and thank you Falpraesti!

Mike Hythloday

Wow, and to think that the Inlusionis have been hiding this secret from us for over three thousand years! Get it today in your local health food store!

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Bonus if you can figure out what Falpraesti means.

How to Not Get Doxed: A Guide

TRIGGER WARNING: SEXUAL HARASSMENT, RAPE THREATS.

THIS POST CONTAINS SARCASM.

Today, I’m going to go over the ways on how you can avoid being doxed by your ideological opponents!

But first, let me define what doxing is.

dox /däx/ v.: to post a person’s personal information (e.g. full name, phone numbers, email addresses, Social Security number, places of employment, dating profiles) online on the Internet, often done with the intention of making harassing one’s target easier. Often used by those in the Men’s Right Movement in order to silence those whose opinions they do not like (often feminists).

(Okay, so I tried to come up with the right pronunciation symbols to mimic what you’d find in the dictionary. I probably failed. Sorry about that.)

Now, who wants to have their personal information up online for random people to see? After all, this is your personal information. You know, like private phone numbers, or personal email addresses. Or even just your full name. I wouldn’t want to put it online for everyone to see (Facebook notwithstanding, and even then, like most people, I use my privacy settings and make that kind of information friends only and only allow people I know decently well a spot on my friend’s list. I’ve since deactivated mine, but that’s not the point).

And of course, when the intention is to make it easier for trolls and haters to harass you and ruin your life (you know, like calling your place of employment to try to get you fired, or sending threatening letters through the mail, or leaving creepy voice messages, or even stalk and kill you), it’s pretty bad, is it not?

But of course, if you want to scare someone you don’t like (often women) on the Internet, all you need to do is to constantly send rape and death threats. Bonus points if you have some of their private information so that they could feel terrified as they go through their daily lives!

Who wants to go through that? I don’t.

So let me detail a guide on how to not be doxed on the Internet. It is my sincere hope that people will find this helpful. Full adherence to this guide is recommended for the best results, of course.

How to Not Get Doxed: A Guide

  1. If you’re of the female persuasion (cis* or trans*), don’t ever go onto the Internet.
  2. If you do go on the Internet, don’t have an opinion on the Internet.
  3. If you do have an opinion on the Internet, make sure that you’re following the status quo. Don’t go suggesting that maybe making rape threats contribute to rape culture, or joke about how you’d like to put men in their place. And definitely don’t ever decide to challenge groups that are presumed to be majority-male (e.g. gamers) into rethinking how they interact with other people on the Internet, or even to think about what their culture says about society! Assure them that you like being sexually harassed—oh, I’m sorry, hit on—by men you don’t know, even if they’re sending you messages such as “I want to put your cock into you”. Or making macros of your image and spreading it around the Internet with threatening or defamatory messages.
  4. Don’t ever put your real life personal information online. Don’t make dating profies, don’t go on social networking sites like Facebook, and don’t even hit hint at what school you go to or what your major is. Ask your employer to not put your real name online, but rather a pseudonym with a fake phone number. Ask your school if they can not mention you at all on their website, or use a picture of you as part of a promotion to encourage people to come to their campus. Etc.
  5. Don’t you dare suggest that maybe we should give recognition to women once in a while, unless you want to have threats be sent online. Really. Even on a banknote.
  6. Don’t ever get into an argument with MRAs, or use swear words in front of them.
  7. Don’t ever take part in the production of a video advertising something based off the SCUM Manifesto. Otherwise, they’ll offer a $1000 bounty for your information. Although come to think of it, if you give up your own information, would A Voice for Men give you $1000? INQUIRING MINDS WANT TO KNOW!
  8. Don’t be like these women and get your name on Register-Her.
  9. Don’t take down posters printed by MRA groups, even if they weren’t supposed to legally be there.
  10. Just, well, disappear. If you’re a woman, you’re better off being locked up inside your bedroom for the rest of your life, tied up so that you can’t write and silenced with duct tape on your mouth so that you can’t talk.

Just abide by these instructions and you should be perfectly okay! Thanks for reading!

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Oh yeah, before I forget, </sarcasm>.

Deconstruct the Male – A Parody in 2000 Words

I’m working on part 2 for the Consumer’s Bill of Rights thing, but I wanted to do some more research. In the meantime, I hear that people really like my parodies, so here’s another one that I wrote (well, with some minor edits and an additional sentence at the end).

This is in parody to “Deconstruct the Female” by Christopher in Oregon, who went into a huge rant on how women are all gross, how their vaginas smelled, and how women *gasp!* get old and *gasp!* POOP.

All in all, your typical “women are all naturally ugly and I don’t want to fuck her!” misogynistic rant. You should totally read it, and then come back to read this parody.

Or, of course, you could listen to the dramatic reading of this on SoundCloud here (courtesy of Quietuus, whose dramatic reading made my housemates laugh).

I will repeat this again for the sake of anyone who’s reading this that THIS. IS. A. PARODY. I will also state that this is not my opinion of men.

Without further ado…

Deconstructing the Male: Is This What You Want?

Ladies,

I am luckier than most people in retrospect. One of the biggest things in my favor was when my parents warned me about MEN and their inability to stay committed to a woman. They were very vocal in expressing the fact that men would only want to bang you and then toss you aside, leaving you with only a series of unpaid bills in your name, lost time and money, and a child in your belly. For this, I am eternally grateful. All men are inherently stupid, lazy, disgusting slobs who play women, spending money like water while loafing around the house drinking beer and getting a beer gut, and only caring about themselves, with no exceptions. This view is also echoed in the various sitcoms of the day and in the past, such as in Family Guy and the Simpsons, if you’re still into that show after the tenth season (silly people, don’t you know that that show has gone downhill since?).

Probably the most important bit of information my parents gave me was that men do NOT age well. They kept telling me about how if I was able to avoid hitching up with men until I die, that I would be “home free”. I never understood this at first, but now I know what they meant. It’s not about the sex drive, but something more important. Men do not age well. Their looks and their intelligence head straight for the gutter as they age. The older they get, the more they deteriorate. I’m not talking when he hits fifty, or even forty.

I’m talking twelve. Maybe sooner.

This isn’t just the issue of how their faces become less cute. I recall reading this blog that tactfully said that men become disgusting slobs and dumbnuts when they turn forty. It said that men won’t really be able to regain their youth and their smarts. I thought “Yeah, they won’t really regain their good looks or their intelligence. Maybe a disgusting smell, but nothing positive.”

This is one of the greatest secrets that few people talk about, and young women are never warned about. Men get ugly and dumb. BUTT ugly and SUPER dumb, not to mention EXTREMELY resentful. Even if they win Nobel Prizes or become sex symbols, the fact does not change that they will start to degrade and post on the Spearhead.

The Spearhead.

Oh, gods. Have you taken a look at the stuff that men post over there? Have you ever read one of their articles, or the highly upvoted comments of many of the regulars? A ghastly sight. They post about how as men, they are the most oppressed and most disadvantaged group in the world. Just the other day I caught an article by a man named W. F. Price where he claimed that one can easily debunk the idea of privilege by asking those who speak of it why the non-whites are not avoiding white neighborhoods or why women are seeking to enter male institutions. It’s like trying to explain and correct a creationist who claims that the second law of thermodynamics disproves evolution. I’m sometimes afraid that this amount of stupid and hatred will jump out and devour me.

Ick.

Ponder his beliefs. In all likelihood he calls himself an atheist who refuses to follow dogma, while they turn around and accept misogyny uncritically as if it were fact. He confuses atheism with skepticism, and all the while he misuses terms and abuses the dictionary and the thesaurus in such a way that Stephanie Meyer would cry in horror.

His hatred and his fear stem from his stupidity. He refuses to use his free time more productively, preferring to write up anti-woman screeds on the Internet and getting drunk on absinthe. I was discussing men with a few friends of mine, and they all agreed that these men are the most unintelligent yet. A man’s brain will quickly turn into mush in short order. It rarely, if ever, becomes full and whole again.

Contemplate his abs. Oh, yes. Women are always after a six pack, foolishly lusting after that sculpted physique.

Why?

They’re just muscles, hard and uncomfortable shapes that recall their fatal undoing. Very few men’s abs look like the ones you see in movies. Normally, they’re NOT attractive at all. They are often hidden under layers and layers of fat, flabby and squishy like a rotten orange. As these men get older, these sag more and more, becoming more and more like overgrown and overripe berries than anything. And they will sag to the floor, by which case his man boobs and his skin and everything else is falling towards the floor. It’s a race to the center of the earth, and everything heads south, my friends. Never forget this.

I’m going to be blunt. Have you ever smelled their cock? Seriously, I mean smell his cock in their unwashed, natural state? Really stuck your nose up there and take a deep breath?

Once.

Oh gods. The stench could destroy the nasal passages of bloodhounds from over thirty miles away. To this day I swear that there were maggots crawling away on the head of his cock and the sack that is the testicles. Sometimes when biking down the street I come across chicken feces. We have a lot of them here, and when they’ve been sitting and stewing there in the shade and water, you can smell them a long way off even at eight miles an hour.

Cocks tend to be even nastier.

I have long said that cocks are the magnets to filth and disease, and that I would never allow myself to let any part of my anatomy get close towards such a thing, let alone touch it or—gasp!—letting it inside of me. With the odds that a man has HPV, this statement is even more true today.

Nature has a clever way of warning us of danger. Smell. If you encounter something that smells bad or rancid, you’re to run like the wind, get away from that thing and keep it out of your sight.

Warning, diseases and filth ahead! Danger!

You are being warned that something is filled with disease, that it will sicken you and make you ill. Definitely not fit for human consumption.

Consider what comes out of his cock while he masturbates. It’s not just sperm, ladies. It’s sugar and it’s water and it’s chemicals that will neutralize your vagina’s natural pH, and all of it drying out and caking around that old, crusty tube sock. Or even worse, inside of the fleshlights that they love so much, all while lusting over images of impossible woman, and imagining himself having his way with her. That crust off his favorite wanking toy isn’t going to stay on that toy, you know.

Don’t believe me? Dive into their trashcans, or visit one of the numerous websites dedicated to masturbation, sex toys, and pornography, and read their stories. It’s enough to make your vaginas wither and dry up in horror.

And they wonder why so many women refuse to have anything to do with these men…

Think about his urethra, his rectum. Yes, I’m talking about his number one and his number two respectfully. Think about their location on the male anatomy. His number one is the part that goes inside of you, and his number two is right there behind. Do you really want to imagine him banging you with the same instrument that he uses to excrete his liquid waste, or you touching the same place where he just made a big dump?

Really?

How carefully does he clean himself? Do you know? Of course not, you’re taking his hygiene on faith, and we all know how great men are with their personal hygiene, how we can all trust them.

Look at his face. Look at his mouth. That mouth spews out hatred and uttermost ignorance upon every subject that he has ever come across. It is a filthy mouth, bathed in the alcohol that he constantly downs and anointed with the potty words and slurs that come out of it whenever someone correctly refutes his mishmash of letters that he calls an argument. His mouth can also spew out chunks of rotten food, ooze mucus and pus from the sores within his gums, and reek of the WORST breath this side of the Milky Way.

Look at his eyes. They brighten when he thinks that alcohol or money or bitches are on his way, but they dull at all other times. Brighten? I should have said wilt. Their eyes are dead, bleary and unable to see anything other than his alcohol, his unearned money, and the bright screen of the monitor as he reads and agrees with misogynistic screeds on the Internet while staring at caricatures and images of impossible perfection that he calls woman and rubbing his filthy dick with his crusty two year old tube sock.

Are you attracted at this, ladies? Is this what you want?

Have you seen how his eyes sag and become exhausted, red eyes and a glazed look, while his main hand is thicker for having rubbed one out every single day? Oh, not just one. Several. Multiple times. Enough to fill your one cup measure with, and all thick and gooey and crusting.

Take a look at the modern day woman. The woman, she shines with life. She is in the peak of her happiness, full of potential and radiating a glow of happiness as she learns that she is to be promoted after several years of hard, fulfilling work. She is alive, she is vibrant and intelligent.

Then look at the modern day man.

He looks like a rotten tomato. He is a corpse, bulging stomach and smelly butt crack and hairy ears and nose. He is death personified, a living example of decomposition. If you look closely, you can even see the stalks of fungi growing out of his orifices and down below on his feet.

Is this what you want ladies? Is this the sexy ideal?

He is alive, but decomposing. Is this what you want?

Men are even more disgusting than women. Don’t believe me? Walk into one of their locker rooms, and take a sniff of that manly goodness, of power and of strength! Oh, it’s making you gag and wishing that you lost your sense of smell? That is the essence of the human male. Go to some random single man’s house, lounging in that man cave of his, take a closer look at his face, pay attention to what he’s watching and what he’s approving of both on the telly and online. Oh, you want to gouge your eyes out and pierce your eardrums to save you from that horror? That is the essence of the human male.

Understand that your sex drive is irrational. It is designed to get you to breed, and once that’s done, his drive diminishes and he will leave you to hump yet another unsuspecting woman while you’re stuck with the bill. Nature doesn’t want him to stay faithful, nature wants him to hump as many women as he can and spread his disgusting man seed around.

Stop and analyze why you are attracted to men. You’re being manipulated to accept a partner who is unable to commit, unable to stay clean, and unwilling to grow up. He will hate you and despise you, and he will never respect you. Consider the other examples from nature, where the males all abandon the woman, or who die, leaving her alone with his offspring. They become useless pieces of shit.

Is this what you want?

Understand what the male is. Understand his motivations, understand his nature.

Despise the male. Hate him, don’t lust after him and his kind.

Avoid pornography. Avoid erotic novels. Reject all premises of needing a man to complete you and live. Enjoy life.

You can choose to enslave yourself to a man who will never respect you. Or you can forsake them and let them die in their own filth and stupidity.

The choice is yours.

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The original parody I wrote can be found here on Manboobz.

I must state again that THIS. IS. A. PARODY. I must also state again that this is not my actual opinion of men.

That is all.