Category Archives: Parody

Regarding the Feminist Plan of Castration

So apparently there’s a few people who think that feminists will happily castrate uppity men for daring to call a woman “sweetie”. For example, we have this guy from Manboobz, who thinks that human resources will mutilate zir penis when the feminist revolution comes to fruition.

(I think zir found out that HR’s going to feed said mutilated penises to KittySharks and PuppySharks, as we feminists plan to take over the world and establish female superiority in all things. I can’t prove it, but still.)

I have to admit the fact that I’ve been sharpening my special castration knife and practicing on a large amount of bananas in my spare time, in order to prepare for the Mass Castration Event that will take place. As a feminist, I need to be able to castrate at least 200 men in fifteen minutes, and the faster I can do it, the better it will be.

I’m also running a bit more, but that’s more related to the fact that I want to get more exercise and be healthier than the castration thing.

Like I said though, I know a girl named Alice who really likes chocolate truffles with hazelnut centers. If you give her enough truffles (oh, I say maybe three boxes worth), she might be lenient and save you men from castration.

But remember. Chocolate truffles with HAZELNUT centers. NO SUBSTITUTES.

Okay, maybe you can get her a few bags of Lindor chocolates.

I Am Autism – A New Take

Oh gods. Oh gods, oh gods, oh gods.

Today, I heard about Autism Speak’s video called “I Am Autism”.

Short rundown: Autism Speaks is a charity that tries to bring awareness about autism and tries to fund money for a cure and whatever. Not exactly popular with people who HAVE autism, because of the “autism is all evil and needs to be CURED!” thing. You guys could Google it if you’re curious.

And of course, in their activism campaign, they come up with videos that’s rather, for lack of a better word, insensitive.

Case in point: transcript for “I Am Autism” (there was a video, but apparently it was taken down after outcry).

Ew. Ew ew ew ew ew ew ew.

That just makes my skin crawl. I’m also shaking, although nowadays I can’t tell if it’s because I need to switch to a lower dosage of levothyroxine or whether it’s horror or whether it’s from sitting in a chair for several hours.

So, out of protest, I feel the need to provide a counter viewpoint from someone who has autism herself.

Please note that this is NOT representative of all autistic people. I don’t claim to speak for everyone, I just felt the need to respond with my own version of “I Am Autism”. So don’t chew my head off, okay?

I Am Autism – Take Two

I am autism.

Born with it and grew  up with it,
Part of me since as far as I know.
Integrated with my identity
And an important part of me.
I cannot be without it,
Otherwise what am I, really?

I am autism.
I am a face of many in a sea
A color, a shape,
A pair or eyes,
A voice.

I am autism.
I am not a monolithic entity.
I do not come to consume and to destroy
But to enlighten and to create.
I am an individual
I am me.

I am autism.

Sometimes I cannot speak
Non verbal am I and rather quiet.
Sometimes I can integrate
With a little hard work
And a large amount of acting/reacting.
I pay attention to everyone else
And play the game,
Knowing that I’m sometimes right on key
And sometimes two steps behind.

I live and I breathe
And I feel and I read.
I scream and I shout
And I twist and dance
And I am life embodiment.

I am alive.

I do not fear.
What is there to be frightened of?
I am here,
I am.

I am autism,
And autism is me.
Autism is part of my identity.
Cannot imagine my life without it
For how close it is to me it is!

Autism defines me.
Autism is a part of me.

I am not the savant intelligent
And I am not person sociopathic.
I am not Sheldon that you see on TV
Nor am I full of magic or a disease.

I am not abnormal, I am not in need of a fix.
I just need someone who can listen to this.

I am autism
And I have a voice.

You say that I’m silent
And that I’m really a sneak.
You claim me to be a thief
And you claim me to be sin
A punishment, a changeling,
Something not “normal”,
Something not neurotypical.

You say that you need to cure me
In order to save me.

You say these words
And you take away me.
You say those words
And you erase me.
You say those words
And you silence me.

You do not speak for me.

Please, are you listening?
This is autism speaking.

The Feminist Ploy to Take Over the World

Yes, we’re planning to take over the world. It’s true, I know because I’m a feminist.

I mean, yes, it’s totally true that we’re already secretly controlling everyone and everything. We’re secretly Big Government, Big Pharma, Big Chem and Big Agriculture and Big Business and everything, making the world into our puppets. That’s why we do things like have the Texas government make an anti-choice abortions restriction bill that would close all but five abortion clinics in the state, got Wendy Davis to filibuster it for 11 hours or so and causing thousands of women wearing orange to show up in protest, passed that law anyway in a special session July, and then sneakily got a federal judge to declare that law unconstitutional anyways.

I mean, we have to do something other than sitting at home all day eating bonbons and spending 60% of our man’s income on clothes, scented candles, hard chairs, and more bonbons (duh).

Sitting around and spending money that we didn’t earn is BORING, you know? And it’s not like we’re really doing anything. We’re too stupid to work in STEM fields, and really, women like Grace Hopper, Lise Meitner, and Ada Lovelace stole the credit from all of the MENZ.

And really, all of these women here, who help contribute to computer science? That’s really the work of men, who were working on our orders, and we stole the credit from them, even though we’re also somehow controlling them with the SECKS and also somehow doing that and sitting in our hard chairs eating bonbons and sniffing scented candles lit by female penguins.

And we can all totally get laid with anyone we want, and yet apparently we’re so desperate for attention that we welcome unwanted advances. So besides eating bonbons, sitting in hard chairs, sniffing scented candles, messing with entire governments, stealing credit from all of the MENZ, and yet somehow controlling everybody with the SECKS, we’re also desperate for attention.

Also, for some reason, we call our movement for equality, and then we turn around and sign laws in Ohio that force abortion clinics to shut down. I mean, why do we try to fight for reproductive rights, and yet ban people from getting abortions, right?

And of course, we’re really narcissistic and only care about ourselves. It’s why we force men to serve us as wage slaves so that we can sit on hard chairs sniffing scented candles and eating bonbons, and controlling entire governments, and controlling men’s boners and then denying them the SECKS.

It’s really all a ploy to take over the world. Really. Even though we already control all of the MENZ and all of the governments and everything, for some reason we haven’t really taken over the world yet.

We’re taking over the world, and soon, you will be paying us a tribute of bonbons and scented candles.

You have been forewarned.

I highly recommend you start stocking up. I heard somewhere that a girl named Alice likes chocolate truffles with hazelnut centers.

The Secret Feminazi Agenda, REVEALED

As a member of the secret feminazi society, I have had access to all of the feminazi documents. I know of their strategies, their plans, and of their workings.

Well, today I was notified that there has been a security breech. Someone has discovered that we feminists (who are all women) are going to use male feminists (silly men, how can they be FEMINISTS?) to breed and be shark food.

I am here to confirm that yes, we will be feeding the men to the sharks. However, the person who had cracked our encryption has gotten some details wrong. I plan to correct those mistakes, and give you the ACTUAL agenda of the feminazi conspiracy.

First off: we’re not going to have men slaughter one another. That’s barbaric. Instead, we’re planning to genetically modify kitties and puppies to make them into KittySharks and PuppySharks. And we’ll send THOSE out to kill men, by seeing if people pet them or not. If people pet them and go “d’aww”, then they will be saved. If not, BOOM. KittyShark and PuppyShark, ATTACK!

Second of all, we do plan on having men around to breed with. However, it will only be a select number of men, who will make up the alpha cock carousel. We will also be jacking their sperm after every ride. Said sperm will then be used to impregnate ourselves, so that we can entrap them into paying us money forever. The vast majority of men will be castrated and made into slaves for our delight, making BBQ ribs and fixing our computers and stuff.

Third, we’re not only using sharks. For the landlocked countries, we plan to use bears, and for many countries with no access to salt water, crocodiles and various felines.

Fourth, we’re only going to feed them three things:

  1. Severed penises, after we remove the foreskins to make our beauty creams.
  2. People who don’t pet our KittySharks or PuppySharks.
  3. Old men. Old men can all go be eaten, we’re not going to expend our energy to assist them when we could be jacking sperm and riding the alpha cock carousel. 

Finally, and fifth, all men and boys will be raised under the FEMINAZI curriculum, so that they will be brainwashed and be feminized into serving us.

Now that you know what we plan to do, prepare yourselves. We’re coming for you.

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In case this wasn’t obvious. this is a joke. Enjoy.

Introducing the Falpraesti! A New Way to View the World.

People of the world, have you ever felt as if the world is not as you want it to be? Angry at the fact that there are people who have more power? Upset that what you have is not good enough for you? Frustrated at the fact that no one else sees what you see?

Well, today I have something that might help you allay your frustrations, your anger, and your despair. I hereby present Falpraesti: a new way for you to see the world!

The Falpraesti is a new medical breakthrough, discovered by a famous physician in Sri Lanka among the Inclusionis peoples. Used for over three thousand years, the Falpraesti is the key to is the key towards true happiness, by allowing you to harmonize your emotions and become one with the TRUTH.

Falpraesti is all natural, full of laevomandelonitrile and dihydrogen monoxide, necessary for our active lifestyles and helping you to relax.

But don’t take my word for it. Listen:

I could not believe that the world was not the way that I imagined it, and because of this, I was depressed for over two years. I went to see doctor after doctor, and therapist after therapist, but to no avail. I just could not get over my disbelief!

Then I came upon Falpraesti, thanks to Dr. P. Getoff, After taking Falpraesti, I now have the energy to take on my day. My depression lifted after two days, and I knew that this worked!

I have been free of my disbelief for over three months now. Thank you, Dr. Getoff, and thank you Falpraesti!

Mike Hythloday

Wow, and to think that the Inlusionis have been hiding this secret from us for over three thousand years! Get it today in your local health food store!

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Bonus if you can figure out what Falpraesti means.

Deconstruct the Male – A Parody in 2000 Words

I’m working on part 2 for the Consumer’s Bill of Rights thing, but I wanted to do some more research. In the meantime, I hear that people really like my parodies, so here’s another one that I wrote (well, with some minor edits and an additional sentence at the end).

This is in parody to “Deconstruct the Female” by Christopher in Oregon, who went into a huge rant on how women are all gross, how their vaginas smelled, and how women *gasp!* get old and *gasp!* POOP.

All in all, your typical “women are all naturally ugly and I don’t want to fuck her!” misogynistic rant. You should totally read it, and then come back to read this parody.

Or, of course, you could listen to the dramatic reading of this on SoundCloud here (courtesy of Quietuus, whose dramatic reading made my housemates laugh).

I will repeat this again for the sake of anyone who’s reading this that THIS. IS. A. PARODY. I will also state that this is not my opinion of men.

Without further ado…

Deconstructing the Male: Is This What You Want?

Ladies,

I am luckier than most people in retrospect. One of the biggest things in my favor was when my parents warned me about MEN and their inability to stay committed to a woman. They were very vocal in expressing the fact that men would only want to bang you and then toss you aside, leaving you with only a series of unpaid bills in your name, lost time and money, and a child in your belly. For this, I am eternally grateful. All men are inherently stupid, lazy, disgusting slobs who play women, spending money like water while loafing around the house drinking beer and getting a beer gut, and only caring about themselves, with no exceptions. This view is also echoed in the various sitcoms of the day and in the past, such as in Family Guy and the Simpsons, if you’re still into that show after the tenth season (silly people, don’t you know that that show has gone downhill since?).

Probably the most important bit of information my parents gave me was that men do NOT age well. They kept telling me about how if I was able to avoid hitching up with men until I die, that I would be “home free”. I never understood this at first, but now I know what they meant. It’s not about the sex drive, but something more important. Men do not age well. Their looks and their intelligence head straight for the gutter as they age. The older they get, the more they deteriorate. I’m not talking when he hits fifty, or even forty.

I’m talking twelve. Maybe sooner.

This isn’t just the issue of how their faces become less cute. I recall reading this blog that tactfully said that men become disgusting slobs and dumbnuts when they turn forty. It said that men won’t really be able to regain their youth and their smarts. I thought “Yeah, they won’t really regain their good looks or their intelligence. Maybe a disgusting smell, but nothing positive.”

This is one of the greatest secrets that few people talk about, and young women are never warned about. Men get ugly and dumb. BUTT ugly and SUPER dumb, not to mention EXTREMELY resentful. Even if they win Nobel Prizes or become sex symbols, the fact does not change that they will start to degrade and post on the Spearhead.

The Spearhead.

Oh, gods. Have you taken a look at the stuff that men post over there? Have you ever read one of their articles, or the highly upvoted comments of many of the regulars? A ghastly sight. They post about how as men, they are the most oppressed and most disadvantaged group in the world. Just the other day I caught an article by a man named W. F. Price where he claimed that one can easily debunk the idea of privilege by asking those who speak of it why the non-whites are not avoiding white neighborhoods or why women are seeking to enter male institutions. It’s like trying to explain and correct a creationist who claims that the second law of thermodynamics disproves evolution. I’m sometimes afraid that this amount of stupid and hatred will jump out and devour me.

Ick.

Ponder his beliefs. In all likelihood he calls himself an atheist who refuses to follow dogma, while they turn around and accept misogyny uncritically as if it were fact. He confuses atheism with skepticism, and all the while he misuses terms and abuses the dictionary and the thesaurus in such a way that Stephanie Meyer would cry in horror.

His hatred and his fear stem from his stupidity. He refuses to use his free time more productively, preferring to write up anti-woman screeds on the Internet and getting drunk on absinthe. I was discussing men with a few friends of mine, and they all agreed that these men are the most unintelligent yet. A man’s brain will quickly turn into mush in short order. It rarely, if ever, becomes full and whole again.

Contemplate his abs. Oh, yes. Women are always after a six pack, foolishly lusting after that sculpted physique.

Why?

They’re just muscles, hard and uncomfortable shapes that recall their fatal undoing. Very few men’s abs look like the ones you see in movies. Normally, they’re NOT attractive at all. They are often hidden under layers and layers of fat, flabby and squishy like a rotten orange. As these men get older, these sag more and more, becoming more and more like overgrown and overripe berries than anything. And they will sag to the floor, by which case his man boobs and his skin and everything else is falling towards the floor. It’s a race to the center of the earth, and everything heads south, my friends. Never forget this.

I’m going to be blunt. Have you ever smelled their cock? Seriously, I mean smell his cock in their unwashed, natural state? Really stuck your nose up there and take a deep breath?

Once.

Oh gods. The stench could destroy the nasal passages of bloodhounds from over thirty miles away. To this day I swear that there were maggots crawling away on the head of his cock and the sack that is the testicles. Sometimes when biking down the street I come across chicken feces. We have a lot of them here, and when they’ve been sitting and stewing there in the shade and water, you can smell them a long way off even at eight miles an hour.

Cocks tend to be even nastier.

I have long said that cocks are the magnets to filth and disease, and that I would never allow myself to let any part of my anatomy get close towards such a thing, let alone touch it or—gasp!—letting it inside of me. With the odds that a man has HPV, this statement is even more true today.

Nature has a clever way of warning us of danger. Smell. If you encounter something that smells bad or rancid, you’re to run like the wind, get away from that thing and keep it out of your sight.

Warning, diseases and filth ahead! Danger!

You are being warned that something is filled with disease, that it will sicken you and make you ill. Definitely not fit for human consumption.

Consider what comes out of his cock while he masturbates. It’s not just sperm, ladies. It’s sugar and it’s water and it’s chemicals that will neutralize your vagina’s natural pH, and all of it drying out and caking around that old, crusty tube sock. Or even worse, inside of the fleshlights that they love so much, all while lusting over images of impossible woman, and imagining himself having his way with her. That crust off his favorite wanking toy isn’t going to stay on that toy, you know.

Don’t believe me? Dive into their trashcans, or visit one of the numerous websites dedicated to masturbation, sex toys, and pornography, and read their stories. It’s enough to make your vaginas wither and dry up in horror.

And they wonder why so many women refuse to have anything to do with these men…

Think about his urethra, his rectum. Yes, I’m talking about his number one and his number two respectfully. Think about their location on the male anatomy. His number one is the part that goes inside of you, and his number two is right there behind. Do you really want to imagine him banging you with the same instrument that he uses to excrete his liquid waste, or you touching the same place where he just made a big dump?

Really?

How carefully does he clean himself? Do you know? Of course not, you’re taking his hygiene on faith, and we all know how great men are with their personal hygiene, how we can all trust them.

Look at his face. Look at his mouth. That mouth spews out hatred and uttermost ignorance upon every subject that he has ever come across. It is a filthy mouth, bathed in the alcohol that he constantly downs and anointed with the potty words and slurs that come out of it whenever someone correctly refutes his mishmash of letters that he calls an argument. His mouth can also spew out chunks of rotten food, ooze mucus and pus from the sores within his gums, and reek of the WORST breath this side of the Milky Way.

Look at his eyes. They brighten when he thinks that alcohol or money or bitches are on his way, but they dull at all other times. Brighten? I should have said wilt. Their eyes are dead, bleary and unable to see anything other than his alcohol, his unearned money, and the bright screen of the monitor as he reads and agrees with misogynistic screeds on the Internet while staring at caricatures and images of impossible perfection that he calls woman and rubbing his filthy dick with his crusty two year old tube sock.

Are you attracted at this, ladies? Is this what you want?

Have you seen how his eyes sag and become exhausted, red eyes and a glazed look, while his main hand is thicker for having rubbed one out every single day? Oh, not just one. Several. Multiple times. Enough to fill your one cup measure with, and all thick and gooey and crusting.

Take a look at the modern day woman. The woman, she shines with life. She is in the peak of her happiness, full of potential and radiating a glow of happiness as she learns that she is to be promoted after several years of hard, fulfilling work. She is alive, she is vibrant and intelligent.

Then look at the modern day man.

He looks like a rotten tomato. He is a corpse, bulging stomach and smelly butt crack and hairy ears and nose. He is death personified, a living example of decomposition. If you look closely, you can even see the stalks of fungi growing out of his orifices and down below on his feet.

Is this what you want ladies? Is this the sexy ideal?

He is alive, but decomposing. Is this what you want?

Men are even more disgusting than women. Don’t believe me? Walk into one of their locker rooms, and take a sniff of that manly goodness, of power and of strength! Oh, it’s making you gag and wishing that you lost your sense of smell? That is the essence of the human male. Go to some random single man’s house, lounging in that man cave of his, take a closer look at his face, pay attention to what he’s watching and what he’s approving of both on the telly and online. Oh, you want to gouge your eyes out and pierce your eardrums to save you from that horror? That is the essence of the human male.

Understand that your sex drive is irrational. It is designed to get you to breed, and once that’s done, his drive diminishes and he will leave you to hump yet another unsuspecting woman while you’re stuck with the bill. Nature doesn’t want him to stay faithful, nature wants him to hump as many women as he can and spread his disgusting man seed around.

Stop and analyze why you are attracted to men. You’re being manipulated to accept a partner who is unable to commit, unable to stay clean, and unwilling to grow up. He will hate you and despise you, and he will never respect you. Consider the other examples from nature, where the males all abandon the woman, or who die, leaving her alone with his offspring. They become useless pieces of shit.

Is this what you want?

Understand what the male is. Understand his motivations, understand his nature.

Despise the male. Hate him, don’t lust after him and his kind.

Avoid pornography. Avoid erotic novels. Reject all premises of needing a man to complete you and live. Enjoy life.

You can choose to enslave yourself to a man who will never respect you. Or you can forsake them and let them die in their own filth and stupidity.

The choice is yours.

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The original parody I wrote can be found here on Manboobz.

I must state again that THIS. IS. A. PARODY. I must also state again that this is not my actual opinion of men.

That is all.

A Passage from the Red Pill Scriptures

Okay, so no opening “hello world” post. Otherwise I’d never make any posts!

Anyways, I write things for fun. This is something I wrote up as a joke on Manboobz. I hope you enjoy.

NOTE: THE FOLLOWING PASSAGE IS A PARODY. DO NOT TAKE THIS SERIOUSLY.

From the Red Pill Scripture’s Book of Genesis, 1:1-36

In the beginning, a singularity came to be, which soon caused the creation of matter and anti-matter. The anti-matter and the matter came to battle with one another and the matter prevailed. And this was good.

Now there was matter in the form of quirks quarks and other quantum things. So they came together and became atoms, which soon became attracted to other atoms to become greater and greater masses. Some atoms came together in such a way that they fused and made more and more different kinds of matter. And this was good.

Soon, some of these greater masses—named “stars”—began to explode or collapse as they found less and less energy to smash matter together. These star remnants floated around and eventually came together to form things called “planets”. And this was good.

Eventually, a series of reactions came to be on one of these planets known as “Earth”, causing preliminary life to form upon the earth. This preliminary life eventually evolved to become members of various kingdoms: Animalia, Plantae, Fungi, Protista, Archaea, Bacteria. And this was good.

The Kingdom of Animalia separated into various further groups, eventually giving rise to certain animals such as the lobster, the cow, the pig, the horse, the dog, and the human. And this was good.

The humans gave rise to a male and a female, and they came to know each other. Through this, they populated Earth, and became the caregivers of this planet. The female was a gentle caregiver, willing to stay in the kitchen and make sandwiches all day, while the male went out to bring home the bacon. The male ruled over the female and the planet, and they lived together in harmony for centuries. And this was good.

One day, a female decided that she was not going to take part in this harmony anymore. She began to demand more and more autonomy from the male. He, the foolish man, began to grant her this power—feminism—and she soon established a matriarchy. She now ruled over the male and began to exert her power in unwise ways, destroying the harmony that once was there, and hiding it through brainwashing. And this was bad.

In the meanwhile, a bottle of red pills was hidden, open only to the matriarchy’s leaders and forbidden for all males. Soon, the male found this bottle of red pills. Lo and behold, he took one of these red pills, although it had been forbidden, and his eyes were opened to both good and evil. He saw that evil had taken a hold of this world and made it chaotic, and swore to fix this and return to the harmony of the centuries past. And this was good.

This male began to meet with other males, and they all partook of the forbidden red pill, awakening to know what the female matriarchy already knew—that the world that they have lived in was chaotic and disharmonious. They began to come together and attempt to fix this, by defying their female leaders. Some of them ran away, in order to hide themselves from the female gaze. Others stayed in this world, seducing and wrecking the leaders from the inside out. They communicated with each other, creating a place of harmony called the manosphere. And lo and behold, this was good to their eyes.

Edit: Fixed a science based mistake. This is what happens when someone who doesn’t fully understand quantum physics tries to write something that’s more scientifically accurate. Oops. *blushes* Thanks Athywren for correcting it!