I’m working on part 2 for the Consumer’s Bill of Rights thing, but I wanted to do some more research. In the meantime, I hear that people really like my parodies, so here’s another one that I wrote (well, with some minor edits and an additional sentence at the end).
This is in parody to “Deconstruct the Female” by Christopher in Oregon, who went into a huge rant on how women are all gross, how their vaginas smelled, and how women *gasp!* get old and *gasp!* POOP.
All in all, your typical “women are all naturally ugly and I don’t want to fuck her!” misogynistic rant. You should totally read it, and then come back to read this parody.
Or, of course, you could listen to the dramatic reading of this on SoundCloud here (courtesy of Quietuus, whose dramatic reading made my housemates laugh).
I will repeat this again for the sake of anyone who’s reading this that THIS. IS. A. PARODY. I will also state that this is not my opinion of men.
Without further ado…
Deconstructing the Male: Is This What You Want?
I am luckier than most people in retrospect. One of the biggest things in my favor was when my parents warned me about MEN and their inability to stay committed to a woman. They were very vocal in expressing the fact that men would only want to bang you and then toss you aside, leaving you with only a series of unpaid bills in your name, lost time and money, and a child in your belly. For this, I am eternally grateful. All men are inherently stupid, lazy, disgusting slobs who play women, spending money like water while loafing around the house drinking beer and getting a beer gut, and only caring about themselves, with no exceptions. This view is also echoed in the various sitcoms of the day and in the past, such as in Family Guy and the Simpsons, if you’re still into that show after the tenth season (silly people, don’t you know that that show has gone downhill since?).
Probably the most important bit of information my parents gave me was that men do NOT age well. They kept telling me about how if I was able to avoid hitching up with men until I die, that I would be “home free”. I never understood this at first, but now I know what they meant. It’s not about the sex drive, but something more important. Men do not age well. Their looks and their intelligence head straight for the gutter as they age. The older they get, the more they deteriorate. I’m not talking when he hits fifty, or even forty.
I’m talking twelve. Maybe sooner.
This isn’t just the issue of how their faces become less cute. I recall reading this blog that tactfully said that men become disgusting slobs and dumbnuts when they turn forty. It said that men won’t really be able to regain their youth and their smarts. I thought “Yeah, they won’t really regain their good looks or their intelligence. Maybe a disgusting smell, but nothing positive.”
This is one of the greatest secrets that few people talk about, and young women are never warned about. Men get ugly and dumb. BUTT ugly and SUPER dumb, not to mention EXTREMELY resentful. Even if they win Nobel Prizes or become sex symbols, the fact does not change that they will start to degrade and post on the Spearhead.
Oh, gods. Have you taken a look at the stuff that men post over there? Have you ever read one of their articles, or the highly upvoted comments of many of the regulars? A ghastly sight. They post about how as men, they are the most oppressed and most disadvantaged group in the world. Just the other day I caught an article by a man named W. F. Price where he claimed that one can easily debunk the idea of privilege by asking those who speak of it why the non-whites are not avoiding white neighborhoods or why women are seeking to enter male institutions. It’s like trying to explain and correct a creationist who claims that the second law of thermodynamics disproves evolution. I’m sometimes afraid that this amount of stupid and hatred will jump out and devour me.
Ponder his beliefs. In all likelihood he calls himself an atheist who refuses to follow dogma, while they turn around and accept misogyny uncritically as if it were fact. He confuses atheism with skepticism, and all the while he misuses terms and abuses the dictionary and the thesaurus in such a way that Stephanie Meyer would cry in horror.
His hatred and his fear stem from his stupidity. He refuses to use his free time more productively, preferring to write up anti-woman screeds on the Internet and getting drunk on absinthe. I was discussing men with a few friends of mine, and they all agreed that these men are the most unintelligent yet. A man’s brain will quickly turn into mush in short order. It rarely, if ever, becomes full and whole again.
Contemplate his abs. Oh, yes. Women are always after a six pack, foolishly lusting after that sculpted physique.
They’re just muscles, hard and uncomfortable shapes that recall their fatal undoing. Very few men’s abs look like the ones you see in movies. Normally, they’re NOT attractive at all. They are often hidden under layers and layers of fat, flabby and squishy like a rotten orange. As these men get older, these sag more and more, becoming more and more like overgrown and overripe berries than anything. And they will sag to the floor, by which case his man boobs and his skin and everything else is falling towards the floor. It’s a race to the center of the earth, and everything heads south, my friends. Never forget this.
I’m going to be blunt. Have you ever smelled their cock? Seriously, I mean smell his cock in their unwashed, natural state? Really stuck your nose up there and take a deep breath?
Oh gods. The stench could destroy the nasal passages of bloodhounds from over thirty miles away. To this day I swear that there were maggots crawling away on the head of his cock and the sack that is the testicles. Sometimes when biking down the street I come across chicken feces. We have a lot of them here, and when they’ve been sitting and stewing there in the shade and water, you can smell them a long way off even at eight miles an hour.
Cocks tend to be even nastier.
I have long said that cocks are the magnets to filth and disease, and that I would never allow myself to let any part of my anatomy get close towards such a thing, let alone touch it or—gasp!—letting it inside of me. With the odds that a man has HPV, this statement is even more true today.
Nature has a clever way of warning us of danger. Smell. If you encounter something that smells bad or rancid, you’re to run like the wind, get away from that thing and keep it out of your sight.
Warning, diseases and filth ahead! Danger!
You are being warned that something is filled with disease, that it will sicken you and make you ill. Definitely not fit for human consumption.
Consider what comes out of his cock while he masturbates. It’s not just sperm, ladies. It’s sugar and it’s water and it’s chemicals that will neutralize your vagina’s natural pH, and all of it drying out and caking around that old, crusty tube sock. Or even worse, inside of the fleshlights that they love so much, all while lusting over images of impossible woman, and imagining himself having his way with her. That crust off his favorite wanking toy isn’t going to stay on that toy, you know.
Don’t believe me? Dive into their trashcans, or visit one of the numerous websites dedicated to masturbation, sex toys, and pornography, and read their stories. It’s enough to make your vaginas wither and dry up in horror.
And they wonder why so many women refuse to have anything to do with these men…
Think about his urethra, his rectum. Yes, I’m talking about his number one and his number two respectfully. Think about their location on the male anatomy. His number one is the part that goes inside of you, and his number two is right there behind. Do you really want to imagine him banging you with the same instrument that he uses to excrete his liquid waste, or you touching the same place where he just made a big dump?
How carefully does he clean himself? Do you know? Of course not, you’re taking his hygiene on faith, and we all know how great men are with their personal hygiene, how we can all trust them.
Look at his face. Look at his mouth. That mouth spews out hatred and uttermost ignorance upon every subject that he has ever come across. It is a filthy mouth, bathed in the alcohol that he constantly downs and anointed with the potty words and slurs that come out of it whenever someone correctly refutes his mishmash of letters that he calls an argument. His mouth can also spew out chunks of rotten food, ooze mucus and pus from the sores within his gums, and reek of the WORST breath this side of the Milky Way.
Look at his eyes. They brighten when he thinks that alcohol or money or bitches are on his way, but they dull at all other times. Brighten? I should have said wilt. Their eyes are dead, bleary and unable to see anything other than his alcohol, his unearned money, and the bright screen of the monitor as he reads and agrees with misogynistic screeds on the Internet while staring at caricatures and images of impossible perfection that he calls woman and rubbing his filthy dick with his crusty two year old tube sock.
Are you attracted at this, ladies? Is this what you want?
Have you seen how his eyes sag and become exhausted, red eyes and a glazed look, while his main hand is thicker for having rubbed one out every single day? Oh, not just one. Several. Multiple times. Enough to fill your one cup measure with, and all thick and gooey and crusting.
Take a look at the modern day woman. The woman, she shines with life. She is in the peak of her happiness, full of potential and radiating a glow of happiness as she learns that she is to be promoted after several years of hard, fulfilling work. She is alive, she is vibrant and intelligent.
Then look at the modern day man.
He looks like a rotten tomato. He is a corpse, bulging stomach and smelly butt crack and hairy ears and nose. He is death personified, a living example of decomposition. If you look closely, you can even see the stalks of fungi growing out of his orifices and down below on his feet.
Is this what you want ladies? Is this the sexy ideal?
He is alive, but decomposing. Is this what you want?
Men are even more disgusting than women. Don’t believe me? Walk into one of their locker rooms, and take a sniff of that manly goodness, of power and of strength! Oh, it’s making you gag and wishing that you lost your sense of smell? That is the essence of the human male. Go to some random single man’s house, lounging in that man cave of his, take a closer look at his face, pay attention to what he’s watching and what he’s approving of both on the telly and online. Oh, you want to gouge your eyes out and pierce your eardrums to save you from that horror? That is the essence of the human male.
Understand that your sex drive is irrational. It is designed to get you to breed, and once that’s done, his drive diminishes and he will leave you to hump yet another unsuspecting woman while you’re stuck with the bill. Nature doesn’t want him to stay faithful, nature wants him to hump as many women as he can and spread his disgusting man seed around.
Stop and analyze why you are attracted to men. You’re being manipulated to accept a partner who is unable to commit, unable to stay clean, and unwilling to grow up. He will hate you and despise you, and he will never respect you. Consider the other examples from nature, where the males all abandon the woman, or who die, leaving her alone with his offspring. They become useless pieces of shit.
Is this what you want?
Understand what the male is. Understand his motivations, understand his nature.
Despise the male. Hate him, don’t lust after him and his kind.
Avoid pornography. Avoid erotic novels. Reject all premises of needing a man to complete you and live. Enjoy life.
You can choose to enslave yourself to a man who will never respect you. Or you can forsake them and let them die in their own filth and stupidity.
The choice is yours.
The original parody I wrote can be found here on Manboobz.
I must state again that THIS. IS. A. PARODY. I must also state again that this is not my actual opinion of men.
That is all.